Mommy stereotypes bug me, but they also tend to make me feel less alone when I’m sitting in my yoga pants that have never seen an actual yoga class, hiding in the bathroom from my kids, drinking a glass of wine and lamenting about my huge receipt from Target. If the wine glass fits, drink it?
Here are some common Mommy stereotypes and some explanations of how they possibly came to be…
1. Moms eat leftover food off of their kid’s plates. We are basically one tantrum away from our entire day going to crap, what are a few congealed macaroni noodles?
2. Moms can be bitchy to other Moms. I’m not bitchy, I just haven’t slept properly in 8 years so now my face looks like this.
3. Moms hide from their kids in the bathroom. The door has a lock on it. And there is a toilet and fresh water so you could survive in there for a good long while.
4. Moms spend too much money at Target. Come on! It’s basically set up like a Mom-filled toy store and then we have to go there to buy toilet paper. And we ate congealed noodles for lunch so you know where our willpower’s at.
5. Moms complain that Dads can never find anything. I love my husband but he can’t find the butter. Or his belt.
6. Moms wipe boogers. Off of everybody. Habit. Sorry.
7. Moms like to drink coffee and wine. These things help give us the illusion that we are in control of when we are awake or asleep. And this illusion of control makes us feel better when we lose arguments with three-year-olds.
8. Moms talk a lot on the phone. Yeah, well, sometimes talking to one of your girlfriends about last night’s episode of The Bachelor is the only way you can survive while cleaning a toilet that has had frequent altercations with a little boy.
9. Moms think other Moms are doing it wrong. None of us knows what we are doing and we all know it. So, if we see someone who acts like they know what they are doing, we know she just hides in the bathroom longer.
10. Moms wear black yoga pants. Well, my theory is that we are so tired from trying to get someone else to wear pants that we are protesting wearing real pants ourselves. And they are stretchy to help with all the congealed macaroni-eating and black to cover all the wine stains. And we can buy them at Target.
This post originally appeared on Scary Mommy.