ashleymadison

A lot of men are crapping their pants right now. I would like to say that I feel bad for them, but I don’t. I do feel sad for the wives and families that will be affected by the douchery of a few idiotic men who couldn’t figure out that they should at least CHANGE THEIR NAMES before going out and soliciting an affair. And the ones who paid extra for the Affair Guarantee? Gross.

Here are some signs that your partner is stressing out about his name showing up on one of these lovely karmic lists that keep popping up:

1. Preoccupation with talking about things like the Dark Internet and how to get there and if there is, like, a King of the Dark Internet? And how would you talk to him?

2. He starts to sweat profusely each time you get onto the computer. If you are getting a mop out each time you log into your email, dude might be anxious.

3. Constantly saying things like, “Isn’t Ashley Madison like, uh, a cupcake company? Heh heh, yeah, No, I’ve never even heard of it.”

4. Dark circles appearing under his eyes and mysterious charges to your credit card to companies like, Hackers R Us and We Wipe Hard drives, No Questions Asked.

5. Suddenly, everything broken in your home is being fixed. That cupboard you have wanted glued for 5 years? Done. The bathroom drain is now flowing, the washer no longer clunks, and the broiler in your oven which has never worked is now firing up.

6. A sudden irreversible loss of internet connection to your house.

7. A sudden dream vacation where there is no internet connection that he has booked for a month starting immediately.

8. He gets a twitch in his left eye that seems to get worse any time one of your girlfriends calls you.

9. You wake up on Saturday morning at 9 o’clock, confused and groggy because this has never happened, to find the children fed, the dog walked, your plants watered, and a hot cup of steaming guilt, I mean coffee, waiting for you.

Good luck out there girls. Remember that you have all of our support.

I’m over at Scary Mommy today!

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I am an awesome mom. That’s right, I said it. My kids have told me this and they are terrible liars so I know it’s true.

I am a crap mom. That’s right, I said it. My kids are still too young to tell me this, but it’s coming, I’m sure of it.

I am an awesome mom. My children know they are loved because I tell them this every single day.

I am a crap mom. I get irritated by their singing after 5 minutes, but then I try to hang on until the 6th minute and then I can’t take it anymore.

I am an awesome mom. How they look at me! Like I could win any race and slay any dragon and protect them from every scary passing thought and then make them a ham and cheese sandwich.

I am a crap mom. I get bored very easily while playing dolls and mostly like to pretend that I’m getting tucked in for a nap.

I am an awesome mom. How I look at them! I am literally so fascinated by every facet of their personality that my husband and I talk about them an embarrassing amount of the time

 

And sneak on over to Scary Mommy for the rest!

I was smugly thinking to myself the other day that our 3 yo was in a pretty awesome place.

She had figured out that she liked cracking us up,

crazyface2

 

she was being just enough of a smart ass that it was cute,

sassy

and she was still saying things like, “I wuv you, Mommy.” Adorable.

iwuvyou

 

She’s a month from being four. And I was feeling like I had survived the 3’s once again.

I was dumb.

Because the day I thought those thoughts was the day she turned into an insane person.

It started out innocently enough with her finding her L’s. She was so cute trying to put L’s on everything that she previously put Y’s on. She even said “yummy” like, “lummy” and “yogurt” like, “logurt.” She had her L’s, by damn, and she was going to use them. But I swear that the same day she found her L’s, that she also decided that she hated us. It was as if the L’s were some weird psychotic trigger.

For instance, after we tucked her in at night, she would spend hours dressing up in the dark and making nests on the floor or getting stark naked and pouring all of my expensive toiletries down the bathroom sink. She did most of these things so quietly and stealthily that sometimes we didn’t even know until we went to bed and it looked like there had been a rager outside her room.

She stopped eating anything that wasn’t logurt.

She started bossing me around and actually said, “whatever” when I asked her to pick up her toys one day. I was so shocked when she said this, that my husband accidentally burst out laughing at the look on my face, thereby insuring that she will now say, “whatever” for the rest of her life.

As I am writing this, she just stole her brother’s prized dream-catcher and hung it up her room, saying, “Now it’s my dream catcher!”

And now she just hit him with a barbie doll when he tried to take it back. I should probably go parent.

Okay, little girl, you have an improved vocabulary…that doesn’t mean I need to have a hormonal pre-teen psychopath in my house. That’s right.

I have heard that when kids’ brains are focusing on growing in one area, that other areas become less focused on.

It looks like our 3 yo’s L’s were inversely related to her being a tiny yittle terror.

 

This one is up on Scary Mommy today!

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Being late is rude. I get that. I have frequently been on the giving and receiving end of lateness, and it feels bad either way.

But I’m going to finally confess something that I think you all need to know: I, myself, am an organized, respectful, timely person who just happens to be raising little people who want to make me look bad in front of others. Yep, it’s true.

Here are the reasons why it’s not my fault when I’m late:

1. My 3-year-old daughter’s greatest desire is to thwart me with her fashion choices. She’s an adorable child who insists on looking like a hot mess every time she walks out the door. And for those of you who say, “You are her mother, you should have control,” well, the only thing I can say is that this one can make a Buddhist monk look indecisive.

2. My 8-year-old son’s greatest desire is to be doing anything besides what he should be doing, including: arguing the many-layered dimensions of sock-wearing, purposely making his sister lose her mind, and hiding and creating detailed vampire maps while he is supposed to be brushing his teeth

3. The pre-activity food refusal. Murphy’s Law of Children states that children are only hungry when miles from any sustenance.

4. My kids move like they have cement in their underpants. And if I say, “Hurry up!” the cement seeps down into their shoes and they just stand there and look at me until I turn that shade of purple that finally frightens them into action.

5. They are very unhelpful people. I would say completely useless. They have no interest in whether or not they make it anywhere on time, and their arms are weak noodles that can’t even carry a grocery bag.

 

And you can read the rest here!!!

 

intothecar

1. Approximately two hours before you need to get into the car, start prepping your 3 yo for the event of clothes-wearing.

2. Bring out clothes and approach your 3 yo slowly and carefully and make clothes sound like fun.

3. 3 yo remembers that they like to play hide and seek.

4. Remember Love and Logic and give your 3 yo a sensible choice of coming to you to put clothes on nicely or you coming to them and putting clothes on… not nicely?

5. Remember that coming up with viable choices for proper Love and Logic training is why you suck at Love and Logic training.

6. 3 yo suddenly remembers the rainbow band-aid that their brother got three weeks ago.

7. 3 yo searches body frantically for possible owie.

8. 3 yo finds suspect redness on their finger after squeezing their finger very hard.

9. 3 yo declares that they now need a rainbow band-aid on their very injured finger.

10. You remember you inner commitment to being a “reasonable mom” with “firm boundaries” and you say, “You don’t need a band-aid right now.”

11. 3 yo begins the Rainbow Band-aid Campaign. It is loud and persistent and convincing.

12. You lose the feeling in your limbs and possibly your will to live after listening to this campaign.

13. You no longer have any boundaries.

14. Five minutes later, your 3 yo walks proudly out of the bathroom with 15 different band-aids on various places of their body.

15. You convince yourself that this is a cute display of independence and not the signs of a future sociopath.

16. 3 yo remembers that they are now a puppy and they begin to bark.

17. You remember (with excitement) that puppies are obedient! Tell your “puppy” to put on their clothes.

18. 3 yo loves the puppy game and is almost completely dressed when they remember that their shirt is too heavy.

19. Your 3 yo begins to take off all of their clothes.

20. You decide to wrestle your 3 yo into their clothes and you both cry.

21. You have your bag packed and you head towards the stairs.

22. You remember that your  3 yo doesn’t like to hold your hand on the stairs since yesterday.

23. At the top of the stairs, your 3 yo realizes that their legs have stopped working.

24. Your 3 yo is now crying because you aren’t carrying them or holding their hand or even looking in their direction, so you begin to pick them up.

25. 3 yo then remembers how much they like ice cream and their Grandma and that they would like both of these things now, please.

26. You patiently tell them that you don’t eat ice cream for breakfast and that Grandma lives very far away.

27. Your 3 yo tells you that you are in big trouble and that you will have to sit in time out. They are very angry.

28. You feel a little afraid, but then you realize that you only have five minutes left to get into the car and that grown-ups shouldn’t be afraid of 3-year-olds.

29. You begin to pick your 3 yo up to carry them down the stairs, when your 3 yo remembers that the feeling of your arms is actually like thousands of independence-killing knives stabbing into their soul.

30. 3 yo ends up walking to the car, all by themselves, indignantly.

31. 3 yo wants to climb into the car, all by themselves.

32. The car is muddy so you are required to pick up your screaming, thrashing 3 yo and strap them into their car seat, while desperately trying to avoid their flailing limbs.

33. By the time you have made it to the driver’s seat, your 3 yo has stopped crying.

34. 3 yo realizes that they are a Baby Mermaid. They insist that you tell them how cute they are and how shiny their tail is and how mermaids get to eat a lot of candy.

35. Your 3 yo would now like to know how cats work.

36. Your 3 yo now feels like the sun coming through the window is blinding their eyes forever.

37. Your 3 yo would now like you to sing, “The Wheels on The Bus.”

38. You begin to sing “The Wheels on The Bus” and your 3 yo immediately tells you to stop singing. They are very angry.

39. You place your head on the steering wheel and feel your fragile mom psyche crack just a tiny bit.

40. And when you finally feel like you have climbed a thousand mountains, swum oceans, negotiated with terrorists, and have been trying to reason with someone who is tripping balls…that is when you know that you have made it into a car with your 3 yo.

 

A version of this post originally appeared on Scary Mommy.

annoytoddler

If you have kids, you will at one time or another have this irrational creature living in your house called a toddler. They are hilarious and cute and very easily annoyed. Here are just some of the many ways that you can annoy a toddler…

1. Put jeans on them.

2. Hold them too tight or too loose.

3. Put salad on their plate.

4. Display affection for any of the other children in your house.

5. Don’t let them ride you like a horsey while you are attempting to do Granny push-ups on the floor.

6. Not stare into their eyes with complete focus while they are learning to use the potty.

7. Try to stand at the end of the one slide at the park that will launch them ten feet into the air, because clearly you didn’t stand there for their brother so you won’t be standing there for them, either.

8. Try to ever wear your new fancy shoes because you made the mistake of letting them try the shoes on once, so now the shoes are theirs.

9. Look sternly in their direction.

10. Don’t let them push those tiny carts in the grocery store when you just can’t bring yourself to deal with the drama that day.

11. Let the other kids in the house get on the bus to go to school.

12. Don’t let them talk to Grandma on the phone. For hours. And by talking I mean staring at the phone and smiling while Grandma and you both try desperately to get one word out of them.

13. Don’t let them look at themselves on your phone while you are trying to take a picture of them.

14. Not kiss the exact right spot where they injured themselves. Even if it’s their butt.

15. Suggest that it’s almost time to go to bed or put clothes on or eat lunch. Suggest anything, really.

16. Don’t let them drink out of every water fountain in every library and every airport on the planet.

17. Hold a baby.

18. Give them food besides yogurt or crackers or noodles.

19. Go to a different room in the house without taking them with you. Or even warning them that this was about to happen.

20. Forget that they need to sit on your lap all day on Wednesdays.

21. Try to teach them how to zip a zipper.

22. Strap them into their carseat on Tuesdays.

23. Say mean things to them, like, you need to wear shoes or you can’t go outside.

24. Forget that, since you allowed them to help push the buttons on the washer that one time, this is now their job and you must never touch the buttons again.

And finally….

25. Not help them when they specifically asked you not to help and now they are irreversibly stuck in their sweatshirt or underpants.

 

This post originally ran on Scary Mommy.

 

annoytoddler2

I’m over at Scary Mommy today!

helicopter

 

Warning: Satire approaching, please do not actually follow these steps.

Do you want to become a helicopter parent? Have your lovelies by your side and in your home for the rest of your life because they are unable to function in society? I have created an easy-to-follow list to make sure your children will rely on you … FOREVER.

Step 1: Don’t allow your children to do anything by themselves, ever. Get off your butt and keep tying those shoes, Mama! Why do they need to learn how to pour their own milk? Or even find their own employment? You are going to be doing it for them, always.

Step 2: Insert yourself into their lives at any, and I mean ANY, opportunity. Involve yourself in all social interactions and take control when things don’t go your (I mean your kids’) way. And when they go to college and get a B on a test? You call that professor right up on the phone and offer inappropriate things to get that kid an A. That’s not weird or stalkerish at all.

Step 3: Give them everything they want, always. Nothing is enough for your darlings. They are the fruit of your precious womb and it’s very important that they experience all of the physical joys of this world. Just ask Veruca Salt.

Step 4: Believe that your children should never fail. What does failure teach you? Nothing! Only success teaches you how to be more successful. So, if it appears that your child will fail at something – cleaning their room, writing a high school essay, or even forming a relationship – just do it for them! They will really appreciate you texting their boyfriend behind their back to get things back on track for them.

 

And you can read the rest over at Scary Mommy….

whatmomssay

My husband is a wonderful, loving attentive father but he literally cannot find the mayo. He has much more common sense, a better memory and is WAY more fun than me, but the mayo…it’s just sitting right there.

We are different in many ways; I can find the mayo and he can remember that he is cooking while he is still cooking. And because we are different, sometimes our communication goes a little haywire.

Here are some examples of things Moms say and what Dads hear;

 


Moms say:
Bed time kids!

Dads hear: Let’s all wrestle until you puke! Or wet your pants! Whatever comes first.

 

Moms say: I’m exhausted, I’m going up to bed.

Dads hear: Yay! Sexy time!

 

Moms say: I feel like I’m being a bad mom today.

Dads hear: She needs someone to list all of the subpar parenting things she did today and get detailed instructions in how she could do better in each situation so that she doesn’t feel this way again tomorrow.

 

Moms say: My sister had a baby! Her name is Mariah Nicole and she is 6 pounds 2 ounces 20 inches long. She’s a Virgo! Here’s a picture! Isn’t she the sweetest thing?

Dads hear: Some kind of baby was born to some person in our family.

 

Moms say: If you take the kids to the store with you, please don’t buy them a bunch of crap.

Dads hear: I love candy. I’ll bet the kids love candy too. I’m such an awesome dad.

 

Moms say: The kids are driving me crazy! Please come home soon!

Dads hear: What…you’re breaking up…can’t…quite…hear…you…

 

Moms say: Can you watch the kids while I run to the bathroom?

Dads hear: I sure can! Shit, where’d they go?

 

Moms say: I spent 30 dollars on our kid’s shoes.

Dads hear: What the frack?

 

Moms say: I spent 30 dollars on a bottle of whiskey.

Dads hear: Awesome!

 

Moms say: I’m going to go take a shower.

Dads hear: Yay! Sexy time!

 

Moms say: Can you go wipe the toddler’s butt please, I’m cooking dinner.

Dads hear: ………..

 

Moms say: Should I get my hair colored?

Dads hear: Isn’t her hair already a color?

 

Moms say: I like those pants on you.

Dads hear: I know. I’m amazing.

 

Moms say: I don’t like those pants on you.

Dads hear: No way. These are awesome pants and I’m amazing.

 

Moms say: Didn’t you hear Junior coughing all night last night? I was up, like, 5 times.

Dads hear: Operation Pretend Like I’m Sleeping…Complete.

whatmomssay2

 

A version of this post originally ran on Scary Mommy.

I am up on The Mid which is an amazing new site for people in, well, the mid.

Crap, I guess I’m in the mid.

I started to write this one as I realized that I am actually, thankfully, on the other side of having babies. It’s a bittersweet place to be.

And here is my first baby and oh my god I just want to eat him up.

graywithduck

On the other side of babies are long limbs sticking out of shorts and bellies that never seem to get full and aching bones from all of the cells stretching and multiplying to make room for whole entire people.

On the other side of babies are gray hairs twisting up and out of your body in the most unlikely of places. These hairs give you a second’s pause, and then you pluck them out and move on.

On the other side of babies are parking lots. Parking lots where you wait. Parking lots where you talk about field trips or sometimes where you hide on those days when you just…can’t.

On the other side of babies are periods that don’t do what they used to do.

On the other side of babies are stinky bodies that still fold into you with relief or fear or love or just because.

On the other side of babies are looks of understanding when you explain why we do things or why we don’t or why we are kind or why we care.

And you can read the rest here!

graywithduck2

Sometimes I crack myself up with randomness. This post is an example of one of those times.

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""

The urban dictionary. A place where even a 39 year-old mom can go to learn “what these darn kids are saying these days.”

As I browsed through the urban dictionary, I noticed words that I think I helped invent 20 years ago spaced in between words I had never heard of and that kind of scared me.

I also noticed that I recognized some of the words, but my definitions were just a little different.

Welcome to the urban dictionary translated for moms:

Lostralia 

Urban dictionary: A place where things that are lost are located.

Motherhood: Only mother’s seem to know the directions to Lostralia.

Junk in the trunk 

Urban dictionary: Having a prodigious butt.

Motherhood: When you open up the back of your car and lollipop wrappers, cheese cracker boxes, cellophane from straws and used tissues fall out in a heap onto the ground.

Kidcessory 

Urban dictionary: A child had by a celebrity just for the attention.

Motherhood: A small child that can’t stop crawling all over your body, clinging to you in a desperate attempt to fuse back into your womb and dangling off of your neck like a kidcessory.

Barker

Urban dictionary: To put forth an inhuman amount of effort in the attempt to get away with doing nothing at all.

Motherhood: My 8 yo, every day.

Word Vomit

Urban dictionary: A point in a conversation where you say something that you really didn’t mean to say.

Motherhood: My 3 yo talking to anyone in public.

Reserection

Urban dictionary: A morning wood of biblical proportions.

Motherhood: After being caught by your child “in the act,” the supreme effort you put into gaining back that loving feeling.

 

And…you can read the over at Scary Mommy!

The Outnumbered Mother

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Recipes, DIY, and more for the intoxicated Martha Stewart's of the world.

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Me, uncensored.

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