I’m over at Scary Mommy talking about the right and wrong way to do Valentine’s Day

Husbands/Partners/Longtime Loves. You’ve been together for awhile now. Long enough for the sweet anticipation of guessing who your Valentine is going to be to wear off just a bit.

You already know who the girl is—she’s the woman washing your underpants and getting up in the middle of the night with your children when you are fake-sleeping. She’s the one who knows how you like your eggs and tries to make them that way. She listens to you snore and smells your stinky morning breath every day. She quite possibly ruined her body for your genetic material to be passed on to the world. You owe her.

Here are some helpful steps to follow when planning Valentine’s day for that special woman whose ass you pinch most days:

Step one: Don’t make her a coupon for “One Hour of Bob’s Love Massage.” She knows that this means a fifteen minute butt rubb, and then all of a sudden it’s not clear who this gift was really for.

Step two: Do take her gently by the hand and walk her to the car, hand her a gift certificate for a spa-day and wave goodbye as she sheds tears of joy driving away from all of you. This is what love really looks like.

Step three: Don’t buy expensive jewelry if you are bad at picking out jewelry. Really, don’t.

Step four: Do buy expensive underwear. But not underwear that is crotchless, edible, or has unreasonable expectations attached to them. Look in her drawer first, find her size, go online, order something that won’t make her want to murder someone if worn for more than thirty minutes.

Step five: Don’t buy chocolate. She knows how to buy chocolate and it’s possible that she is telling herself that she isn’t eating chocolate right now. At least until all of a sudden she decides to eat all of the chocolate in the house and then she will hate you if there is more than the normal amount of chocolate in the house.

And you can read the rest here!

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