(FYI: I am definitely NOT pregnant)

Studies have shown that if you do any of the things listed below and then look in the general direction of your husband, your eggo will automatically get preggo. It’s true.

I recently heard a story of one woman who danced just a little too enthusiastically when her youngest child became potty-trained and then used her husband’s toothbrush and BAM! 9 months later she popped out number four.

Here you go, a list of surefire ways to get yourself knocked up without ever stepping one foot into the bedroom:

1. Whistle as you drop off every single baby item that you own at Goodwill.

2. Have no urge whatsoever to produce any more offspring and talk to everyone, including the deli person, about this.

3. Get your husband an appointment to have a vasectomy.

4. Start being annoyed by crying babies on planes again because you are so far past that shit.

5. Get a tattoo of your children’s names on your body. With no room for any other names.

6. Have a smug little inner smile every time you walk past the diaper aisle.

7. Fall in love with skiing.

8. Finally hit your pre-pregnancy weight (after 10 years and an incredible amount of celery).

7. Buy a smaller car because, Screw You Carseats!

8. Have your friends over to your Maternity Clothes Burning and BBQ Summer Bash.

9. Sign a 5-year non-refundable contract with a gym that doesn’t have day care.

10. Brag to everyone loudly and obnoxiously that you are going to have SO much time to yourself now that your youngest is in kindergarten.

11. Sleep through the night.

12. Create life goals.

13. Finally realize your lifelong dream of becoming a tightrope walker.

14. Take up horseback riding.

15. Take a sushi-making class.

16. Start making raw and questionable cheeses.

17. Win a wine-of-the-month club for a year.

18. Buy a hot tub.

19. Plan and pay for your dream vacation that happens in exactly 9 months.

20. And finally … laugh openly and maliciously with your husband when you find out that one of your friends is accidentally pregnant.

Be careful out there ladies. It could happen to one of you.

If this makes you happy, then you should be overjoyed to know that I’m on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and even Pinterest!

This post originally appeared on Scary Mommy.

Categories: Kids

2 thoughts on “How To Get Pregnant Without Ever Having Sex

  1. Hahahahaha. Somehow I missed this when it first ran on Scary Mommy. OMG I might be in trouble. I’m pretty sure I’ve committed at least three of these.

  2. This was awesome. I am horrified to discover I’ve committed at least three of these.

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