A lot of men are crapping their pants right now. I would like to say that I feel bad for them, but I don’t. I do feel sad for the wives and families that will be affected by the douchery of a few idiotic men who couldn’t figure out that they should at least CHANGE THEIR NAMES before going out and soliciting an affair. And the ones who paid extra for the Affair Guarantee? Gross.

Here are some signs that your partner is stressing out about his name showing up on one of these lovely karmic lists that keep popping up:

1. Preoccupation with talking about things like the Dark Internet and how to get there and if there is, like, a King of the Dark Internet? And how would you talk to him?

2. He starts to sweat profusely each time you get onto the computer. If you are getting a mop out each time you log into your email, dude might be anxious.

3. Constantly saying things like, “Isn’t Ashley Madison like, uh, a cupcake company? Heh heh, yeah, No, I’ve never even heard of it.”

4. Dark circles appearing under his eyes and mysterious charges to your credit card to companies like, Hackers R Us and We Wipe Hard drives, No Questions Asked.

5. Suddenly, everything broken in your home is being fixed. That cupboard you have wanted glued for 5 years? Done. The bathroom drain is now flowing, the washer no longer clunks, and the broiler in your oven which has never worked is now firing up.

6. A sudden irreversible loss of internet connection to your house.

7. A sudden dream vacation where there is no internet connection that he has booked for a month starting immediately.

8. He gets a twitch in his left eye that seems to get worse any time one of your girlfriends calls you.

9. You wake up on Saturday morning at 9 o’clock, confused and groggy because this has never happened, to find the children fed, the dog walked, your plants watered, and a hot cup of steaming guilt, I mean coffee, waiting for you.

Good luck out there girls. Remember that you have all of our support.


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