Despite my son being generally soft-hearted and sweet, he is still a boy. And boys are…gross. They do gross things and they also put their bodies into perilous situations. And my boy has a little sister who is watching all of the gross and sometimes terrifying things that he does and worshipping his every move. He, as her big brother, is her ultimate aspiration in life. He can ride a bike and ski and burp the alphabet. And, really, what more to life is there when you are three?
Here are some of the things that girls with brothers will do:
1. Fall down and yell, “Oh! My nuts!”
2. Categorize all males and females into those who have Peanuts and those who have Giants. And thank God she mispronounces because the grocery store would be a whole lot more embarrassing than it already is.
3. Sit around all day in her underwear like the rest of the males in this family. Possibly scratching and burping too.
4. Mimic a flesh-eating zombie to perfection, complete with eye-rolling and moaning for brains.
5. Know what a flesh-eating zombie is. And vampires and Storm Troopers and The Legends of Chima (I don’t even know what this is).
6. Pee anywhere at anytime in any open space and then freak out because she can’t do it standing up.
7. Forgo playing with babies and dollhouses to hide her brother’s important Star Wars Lego pieces from him and climb on his head while he tries to play Minecraft.
8. Choose the fastest slide, the tallest rock, and the biggest hill to launch herself off of. I would pay good money for a tutu that could transform into a parachute.
9. Completely surprise and dominate any of her friends who don’t have older brothers during hand-to-hand combat.
10. Fart like a sailor while wearing Hello Kitty underpants. And then laugh maniacally.
11. Stand up for herself and speak her mind on a variety of subjects that are too long to list, but lets just say the entirety of my day is spent negotiating with a three-year-old on things like pants-wearing and booger-eating.
12. Create “art” in less time than it takes me to recognize silence and panic.
13. Boogers. I’m not a fan but apparently they’re delicious.
14. Turn fairy wings into super hero capes, wands into swords, and princess crowns into worm catchers.
15. Dissolve into heartbroken tears when told she will never, ever have a penis.