Okay, to be fair, I think my seven-year-old really did feel sick for about 5 minutes on Monday morning. And maybe for about 5 minutes on Tuesday morning. And he may have felt pretty terrible on Tuesday afternoon for about 5 minutes after I said I was taking him to school after lunch if he didn’t start appearing more sick than he was.
But. Here are some of the ways that you can tell if your child needs to get their butt back to school.
1. After you tell them, a little begrudgingly that, okay they can stay home because maybe that cough sounds contagious?, they immediately shout, “Yay, I won’t have any homework today!”
2. They come up for a “snack” and out of the corner of your eye you see them sprint back downstairs with something clutched tightly behind their back. I will only briefly mention that the child was running away from me, so they probably should have put the contraband in the front of their body. So, when you track down the child and their “snack”, you find a bag of Every Flavor Jelly Beans that they got recently at a Harry Potter birthday party. Yes, they wanted to eat barf flavored jelly beans for a snack.
3. When you check on them in the morning after they have been very quiet for a while, you realize that they have snuck their iPad downstairs and they are watching some crap show called Total Drama Island.
4. They can’t stop playing the game, Make Sister Scream Her Face Off.
5. They eat twice the amount of food that you do at lunch and then ask if they could please have their bag of Every Flavor Jelly Beans for dessert.
6. You go downstairs to get some laundry and you find them standing on their head in the stairwell. In.The. Stairwell.
7. A few times a day, they come up to you, fart, and then giggle maniacally. Like any other day.
8. When you say to them, “Can I take your picture so that I can document this day for future reference so that I will remember forever and not ever let you stay home unless there is a fever or puking involved.” And they do this;
9. When you suggest that they relax, they decide that relaxing means sitting on the chair for approximately 10 seconds. At 15 seconds, they have confiscated your phone and have begun to take pictures of themselves with a weighted exercise ball on their head. (!?)
10. They can’t stop singing “Do You Want To Build A Snowman” when they are supposed to be taking a nap in the afternoon.
11. And then, when it has actually been quiet for a while, you sneak down to check on them again. Because you are a masochist. You are quite shocked when you enter their room because it appears to have exploded. You are simultaneously annoyed and awed by the sheer amount of things that litter the ground. Legos, toddler puzzles, little shredded pieces of cardboard, the entire contents of their underwear drawer. They then take one look at your face and say, “I know, I know. I’m going back to school tomorrow.”