1. Wake them up in the morning.
2. Wipe their face off with your own spit.
3. Accidentally put their current homework in the recycling bin because you thought it was their old homework.
4. Say you are going to limit their screen time. And then actually do it.
5. Not pick them up immediately from school when they call home sick because you didn’t have your ringer on, and then they have to sit in the nurse’s office with that weird kid.
6. Not save that one piece of artwork that was super duper important for their quality of life and overall happiness.
7. Ask them to feed the dog. Even if that’s their only responsibility in the whole wide world.
8. Try to explain their homework to them without using the exact same words that their teacher uses.
9. Stop reading at a cliff-hanger in Harry Potter. “And the such and such monster was just about to eat Harry Potter and all his friends and then…Well, nighty-night honey! Sweet dreams!”
10. Suggest a clothing change when they have their mind set on wearing that crazy old shrunken sweater of your husbands and those one pants that make them look homeless.
11. Remind them that their homework exists.
12. Have only “boring” snacks at home.
13. Not prevent holes from appearing in their favorite socks. And then be an inept sock repair-person.
14. Not get Skylander’s Swap Force characters because you have already spent a good portion of their college education on regular Skylander’s characters.
15. Get so dizzy watching their Mine Craft roller coaster that you have to close your eyes and then you miss “the coolest part!” because you thought you were going to vomit.
16. At dinner, ask them to eat with utensils.
17. And use a napkin instead of their shirt.
18. And to say polite-person type words.
19. And to Just. Sit. In. A. Freaking. Chair.
20. Try to explain stuff to them that they are currently learning about in school. Because they obviously know WAY more about heart health than you, even if you do have a Master’s degree in Physical Therapy and have actually cut into a human heart before.
21. Have only boring things to watch. And then try to explain to them how lucky they are to have So Many Choices of things to watch and that when you were a kid, you only had like, one choice, and it was something like The Dukes of Hazzard, and then their eyes glaze over and you’ve lost them.
22. Ask them to please try to pee in the toilet and not just in the general direction of the toilet.
23. Inform them that it’s bedtime.
This post is over at Scary Mommy today!