I started out pregnant. I was told to fear soft cheese, deli meat, hot tubs, sushi, wine, not sleeping on my left side, getting my heart rate above 140, eating fish, and cat shit.
The little bugger hadn’t even landed on Earth yet and I felt afraid of So. Much. Stuff.
And then…they are born and the fear just grows and a lot of the time I’m not even aware of why I am feeling afraid. No wonder parents are so exhausted all the time. Here are a few of the things that I didn’t realize could be scary before I brought two little Earthlings to the planet.
1. Random wet spots on the floor.
2. What my child will say to a police officer if I ever get pulled over. Gray has been known to throw me under the bus and tell the officer he told me I was driving too fast.
3. Any conversation that starts with “Does this look weird?” “Does this smell weird?” or “Does this feel weird?”
4. Deck railings, parking lots, raised ledges, and any body of water.
5. Any game on the playground that sounds like Transformers vs. Kitties where my child is the kitty. Which leads me to…
6. Calls from school. My day has just gotten worse.
7. Constant wishing for a bunny, trying to trap a bunny, asking for a bunny for his birthday, dreaming about bunnies, telling me that the bunny really exists and that he must find him.
8. One awesome new toy. Two kids.
9. A paintbrush wielding child with a creative gleam in his eye.
10. The phrases “Whoops!” “Uh-oh!” “Oh crap!” or “Did you see that!”
11. Hot foreheads, silent open-mouthed cries, and retching sounds that always happen right as I am dozing off to sleep.
12. Pen-less caps, cap-less paint, diaper-less toddlers
13. A child chewing. With no edible food in sight.
14. Peanuts. Too many allergic kids out there.
15. That my children ever figure out that these things exist: Kool-aid, Jello, Pudding, Poptarts.
16. Bike parks.
17. Strange smells. Coming from my kid’s body.
18. Mean kids and creepy vans.
20. Drainage ducts. My son wants to crawl in them. Because he is insane.
21. And the scariest thing of all: Silence.