1. Don’t give your toddler a yogurt tube in the car. Ever.
2. Don’t tell your six-year-old that if he takes off that third band-aid in 20 minutes from the middle of his back that you won’t put another one on, because then he will try to put another one on by himself and it will hang there pathetically and in the wrong spot and you will feel kinda bad.
3. Don’t ever buy your older sister’s children any annoying toys to be funny when you are younger and don’t have children yet because it will come back and bite you in the ass in the form of a popper that your toddler is obsessed with.
4. Don’t give your child his very first lunchable (after he had been begging for one for years and you are desperate and in Target) and then also buy him an art project that requires intense concentration and then drive him on a curvy canyon road.
5. Don’t teach your child it is okay to pee outside even if you live in the woods because he won’t understand that he should not pee off the deck at the local pizza restaurant onto the cars below and then you will have to pretend that you don’t know him.
6. Don’t get into an argument with your child’s friend after the friend says “My bike is WAY cooler than your kid’s bike.” when, in fact, they have the exact same bike but when he says this, it annoys you so much that you are compelled to say, “Is not.” And then he will say, “Is too.” And then this goes on for quite a while until his mom comes out of the house and catches you arguing with her kid and then you will feel embarrassed.
7. Don’t assume that you are smarter than your children, because you probably aren’t and then you will be shocked when your three-year-old says something like, “Before I came here, I searched all over for who would be my mommy and I recognized you by your voice.”
8. Don’t ever forget that if your toddler is quiet, there is a 95% chance that they have either dumped an entire box of crackers and are shoving the pieces into their diaper or they have decided to see if mommy will make her crazy face when she discovers dirt from the potted plant smooshed into her Uggs.
9. Don’t try to go to bathroom with the door closed, work on the computer while your children’s eyes are open, or let them know you have an important call coming in and you won’t be able to talk to them for a few minutes because you will be reminded of what happens when you get Gizmo wet or feed him after midnight.
And finally DO: Let your little boy dress up like a princess, or a mermaid, or a fairy if he wants to. If you want to hear my own personal story on this….come to Boulder’s Listen To Your Mother Show this Mother’s Day!